I am not going to write a long post here, because honestly i just don’t have one in me.

Today I had to put Blues to sleep, and it was a very difficult, sad day. It was gut wrenching and I feel genuinely sick about it, still.

Blues was the best cat I could ever ask for. I can’t even imagine wanting another one after her, having had her as a companion for almost half of my life. The ride with her to the vet was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life and if you put a gun to my head and told me i had to do it again, i’d literally refuse.

Having said all of this, i need to move on, be strong and recover. I’ve been able to hold back tears so far (at least for the past 5 hours) so maybe i am on my way to that recovery. I know there will be bad days ahead, but hopefully i will be able to only focus on the positives as time passes and remember her for what she was – dad’s little princess.

Goodbye Blues, your mom and dad love you.

Its been almost a month now that I have been in Salem and there are a number of things on my mind, none so more present than my cat, Blues.

Blues hasn’t been herself since the move. Maybe it even started before, who knows. In any event, over the past several days things have taken a turn for the worse with her and now I am faced with an agonizing decision. After taking her to the vet this morning, and after getting blood work done, its now apparent that she has kidney failure. This has manifested itself in the fact she isn’t able to have a bowel movement, that she is peeing on herself and her bedding, and now, she more or less just lays in her pan. She is lethargic, and obviously in a lot of discomfort.

It is amazing how fast this all has happened. Just a month ago I would have never thought she was sick, or that vital internal organs were basically “giving up.” But, they were.

So tomorrow I will call the vet clinic to discuss our options, but it is clear to me that I am going to need to make peace with letting her go soon. It may not be because of this kidney failure, but it could be from any number of things. The decision might get taken out of my hands if i just can’t afford the treatment. The blood work alone was 400 dollars.

Blues has been an awesome companion. She isn’t just a cat. I remember getting her. I was living on my own away from home the first time in an apartment. I was lonely, and I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time. I went to the pound to look around and saw this odd looking black cat. What was odd about her was the shape of her head, something i don’t even really notice any more I am so used to seeing it. I brought her home, and I remember that it took her a few days to be comfortable enough to come out of hiding.

Back then, Blues had claws and she would use them, frequently. I didn’t have a bed in my apartment. Instead, i slept on an old couch that my folks had given me when I left home. Blues would sleep on the top of the backrest of the couch. I remember she had a loud purr, and it basically helped me go to sleep at night.

How ironic that I am in similar circumstances now. I’m by myself, in an apartment and it is just me and her. Unlike then, I know she can’t lay next to me and purr to put me to sleep.

This was over 12 years ago, back when she started on this adventure with me. We’ve been to Florida, Georgia, Arizona and now, Oregon. She has seen 5 different dogs come in and out of my life – Penny, Brita, Nadia and now Scooter and Danny. Throughout it all, she has been a great, great cat. More than I could ever ask for.

I haven’t cried this much in god knows how long. In fact, I had to take about a half hour break just in between writing the last paragraph.

Maybe in some sort of symbolic gesture (although i have no idea what it symbolizes) I decided to shave off my beard. I’ve been so anxious about her condition, i was literally yanking chunks of hair out of my face. Now after crying so hard I have a massive headache and a long day ahead of me tomorrow.