Dear COX Automated Robot Support Lady:

Thank you for saving me $50 this evening. Your inability to help me reset my Pay Per View pin number kept me from ordering UFC 100 using your COX inDemand service. Instead, I will probably just download the fight clips off illegal file sharing sites in the morning – more portable and in better quality than what I’d get by watching on my television.

When you said: “Just tell me what I can help you with” and I said “Reset Pay Per View Pin Number” I kind of expected you to, well, help me reset my PPV pin. But you didn’t. Maybe your masters didn’t program that, which is a shame, because after you replied to me with some sort of “I don’t understand” I asked to speak to an operator.

“Wait time is currently 10 minutes, please continue to hold”.

35 mins later, and I am still holding.

40 mins later and I decided to keep my money and write this blog post.

And what is the deal with these automated support numbers? Why do they ask me for a bunch of information, fail to have the answer to my question, then put me in touch with a human operator who has to go and ask me for all the same information over again? Why not just give me an option to talk to the robot or a human from the outset and save a lot of aggravation?

Here is how it could work:

“Hi, thanks for calling Cox support. You have the following options:

Press 1 if you would like to go through our automated support. Automated support can help you do A, B, and C.

Press 2 if you would like to just talk to a real person. This is a good option for X, Y, and Z.”

I know, because it costs more to have a real person respond. But how much does it cost you when I get tired of your support and go to Direct TV? Or, say, Dish Network. Or say hell with all of it and just run Hulu or my Apple TV for my shows.

Stop being so mediocre Cox.

Your stuff rocks. I drink literally a gallon of Tejava per day. My office fridge is basically stocked with the stuff. My friends and family tell me I am going to get a kidney stone from drinking so much of it. To that, I tell them to mind their own business!

You know how some people play that game with their spouses that each is allowed a list of celebrities that they are allowed to sleep with if the opportunity presents itself? (Kristen Stewart, Eva Green, Mary Louise Parker in case you wondered).

I have a list like that, but for jobs. While I love my job at the advertising agency, I really think i’d be a super evangelist for Crystal Geyser and Tejava. I could be your Jared (except not as skinny but also not as nerdy).

Unfortunately for Crystal Geyser, I won’t live in San Francisco so maybe instead you could just hire our agency to work on your marketing from the dusty, polluted confines of Arizona?

This is an open letter to the “Ace Man” Adam Carolla -

Adam,

I listened to and liked Loveline initially, although quickly it grew old. The same is true for The Man Show and your short lived radio show. First few times turning you on and I fell in love. Then, about 2 weeks later it started to get old.

I think I know why this is Adam.

You talk way too much. Seriously, you will have a guest on your show and your podcast will go on for an hour, and you will literally talk 55 minutes. Yes, you can be really funny but you tend to wear yourself out. You complain about everything, and that was endearing at first, but now it is just bumming me out completely. That, and your voice gets grating when its the only thing I hear.

The shows you do where you bring in Theresa and Bald Brian always seem to be among your best — that is, until you also bring in your kid to sit in and she cries and screams the whole time.

Speaking of other annoying things about your podcast – get a decent microphone for christs sake. Your interview with Coppola was basically un-listenable, which is a shame because I could tell you were geeked out to interview him. Your a multi-millionaire, at least spring for some decent equipment. When Bill Simmon’s did his interview with Mark Cuban over a hotel phone it sounded better than a lot of your podcasts.

So in summation – talk less, get some guests on and let THEM talk and go down to Guitar Center and buy a microphone.

Signed,

William

Time to hang it up Billy

Billy,

Please realize that the Pumpkins are no more. Jimmy just left and of course James Iha and D’arcy a long time ago. I’m actually in a minority who thought Zeitgeist was a great album. Today is probably my favorite song of all time and a major factor behind me learning to play guitar. That said, it is time to get realistic.

Reviving the Pumpkins again, with you being the only remaining founding member, is kind of pointless. You’ve nothing left to prove. You’ve it all, seen it all. You just testified in front of Congress for Christs sake.You’re in a TNA Wrestling promo!

Enjoy some time off, please.

Other bands are now coming up which can do it better. Take for example Silversun Pickups, who on first listen sound almost exactly like the Pumpkins. Listen to Lazy Eye from Carnavas and tell me it doesn’t sound a lot like 1979. Girl bassist who is oddly cute if not downright hot. Hell even the lead singer reminds me of you Billy, but with hair.

I guess what I am saying is you had a great run. Really. I get that music is important and such, but do something else. I feel like you hanging on to the Pumpkins name is just like refusing to let go of that old blanket you had as a baby when there are slankets and snuggies to be had.

Now you want to release a new album on it with a zillion songs and charge a subscription service to give your fans insight into the creative process. Billy, it is sad. Given that like I said, most people (not all, I actually liked it) thought Zeitgeist sucked, you shouldn’t be charging fans to be, well, fans. What’s next – pay to play in the band?

So now is the time to bow out gracefully, you’ve earned that right.

Signed,

William